My Fairy G part III

3.

      

       Michael continued the conversation but with a different tone. A more caring Father than she’s ever felt in her life. He was concerned about how she was holding up. He knew that she didn’t choose this but she was fraternizing with the people most hated in a gang, the set next door. Lisa told her Mother what was up but couldn’t explain Michael, just yet. She agreed to stay at the best hotel downtown, since it was on their dime. Her brother, who had Leukemia, was back in the hospital, again. Insurance was a constant on her mind. And Mom needed a break, with working two jobs, having a sick son and a budding daughter with no man in the house. And Lisa knew that they wouldn’t be found at the Ritz Carlton but they might at Motel 6.

       Lisa’s faith was renewed however odd it felt. Maria and her daughter were hitting their knees together, now, which is how they got through the hospital stays and the death projections. Her brother had a medical marijuana card and Lisa used it to relieve stress especially now. Lisa booked the only suite left on the top floor. just in case Michael wanted to come over. All that Lisa told her was “that there was going to be a shooting on their block that was going to go down any day now.  But once she got settled in Lisa had to tell her Mother the truth however ugly it is, that was an agreement she made her Mother after she survived her daughter’s high school career.

       Mommy, c’mere and sit with me a minute.” Lisa begins the most gentle delivery of a miracle that she could muster. “You know how you always reminded me to pray to the saints?”

       “Si, mija what’s wrong?” Maria says with obvious concern for her daughters well-being.

       “Nothing Mama, it’s good, muy bueno,” Lisa tries to allay her fears. “A man came into the store and gave me this card.” she hands her worried Mother the card and she mouthed the words as she read.

       “Ay, dios Mio,” and that’s when Lisa found out that her Mother prayed to St. Jude.

       “Momma, Momma! He is helping us, he’s the reason we’re here. I don’t know anything about him other than he knows everything about me.” Lisa complains.

       “Lo sabia, lo sabia!” Maria claims to have known he was coming. “Es bueno, Es bueno...” and she falls into her daughter’s waiting arms. They say the Lord’s prayer together and fall asleep on the couch in each other’s arms.

       After the third day in the Hotel, Lisa got the courage to sneak out to smoke a joint before bed. Michael always met Lisa in broad daylight and never with company, either of them. They met for coffee on Lisa’s day off.

       “Lisa, it’s good to see you, please have a seat,” Michael stands from a table, wearing his old black duster conspicuously concealing a sword beneath. His silver Indian motorcycle shined tike his armor under his coat. He pulled out a chair for Lisa to sit.

       “Hello, I told my Mother about you, I hope you don’t...”  Lisa starts to say.

       “No, it’s quite alright, your Mother speaks to us quite a lot. And yes I would love to meet her.” Michael says assuredly. They chatted for what seemed like an hour but it could have been a day because Lisa was enamored. She wore a white dress made from Pima cotton It flowed and glowed with the sun. Her hair was done in big fluffy curls reminiscent of 1970’s Charlie’s Angel Jacquelyn Smith; she wore eye liner and lip-stick but nothing loud. They discussed how her Mother was doing and her brother in Children’s Hospital, which Michael knew all about already. Michael always set up times to meet at the last moment. Lisa observed that he was a very busy man. “I’ll tell you what, how about I meet you and your Mother tomorrow for breakfast, where are you staying?”

       “The Ritz Carlton.” Lisa says plainly while being proud of treating her Mother so well.

       “I like your style, why the Ritz?” Michael asks.

       “It was the most expensive hotel in town.” she begins, “and since it wasn’t...” she tries to finish but Michael is giving her a look that says ‘I know what you are going to say’.

       “On your dime, right?” Michael says. Lisa was inspired, amazed, and believing, without reservations.

       “Well,...I guess...do I really ever need to speak to you?” Lisa asks.

       “Of course you need to talk to me, I’m here for  you.” Michael reassures Lisa. “So, tomorrow morning I will meet you and your Mother for breakfast at the Hotel.” Michael and Lisa chatted about Lisa’s situation over lattes and scones until it was time for Michael to leave. He gave Lisa a kiss then walked over to his silver Harley and kicked it one time. The motor came alive with a roar then the slow popping of pistons being fired up and down. He sped off leaving Lisa standing out front of the coffee shop wondering who this man was but she already knew, he was Michael the archangel.

       Lisa went back to the Hotel bewildered as usual after seeing Michael with information for her Mother that will definitely make her happy.

       “Hi Mommy!” Lisa says as she walks in the double door of the suite.

       “Hola, mija!” Maria answers her daughter. Lisa runs over to her Mother and hops into her arms and hugs her tightly.

       “Mommy, I have good news!” she starts “Your going to meet Michael. He’s coming over for breakfast tomorrow.”

       “Dios mio! I always told you to have faith.” Maria says.

       “I know Mommy, you’re right, I do believe.” Lisa answers.

       Neither of them slept much that night excited about the morning meeting. They awoke early that morning and prepared themselves with showers and curlers and make-up. Maria wore her plum colored pumps and Lisa wore her Chuck Taylors. Maria was overjoyed and grateful to have the experience while Lisa was calm and cool, sitting on the couch ready to go. Maria turned off the blow dryer, grabbed her key card and they were off, down the elevator floor by floor, Maria’s excitement peeked on the ground floor when her daughter pointed out Michael.

       “Dios Mio, he’s so handsome!” Maria says. “How old do you think he is?” she finished with apprehension.

       “Well, I never thought about it.” Lisa says. “He’s a very busy man, let’s hurry up.” The make their way through the sea of tables in the main dining hall that opened up with wide bay windows onto the pool. It was a sunny Fall morning, “Hey, Michael,” Lisa raises her voice for the first time that morning.

       “Hello!” Michael says with a beautiful grin that just told Maria he was divine. Michael pulled a chair out for Maria. Lisa pulled out her chair and sat down at the same time as Maria The table was made up on top of a white tablecloth with a small bouquet of flowers.. “ I have some important news for you. You must leave this plush Hotel, the church agreed to take you in until this blows over.”

       “Really, that is so nice.” says Maria, “Do you... I mean have you...” and then Michael cut her off because he knew what she was going to say.

       “No, I don’t fly, in the traditional sense and yes, I have talked with God.” Michael interjects.

       “My son is in the hospital with...” Maria can’t hold it together.        “I know all about it.” Michael says as the waitress takes their order, Michael orders eggs benedict, Maria and Lisa order an Omlette. They sip their Orange juice until their order arrives talking about Julian and the 21 times he’s been to the hospital and Lisa’s high school career. Michael was not surprised at any of this. He’s had his eye on this family for a long time. Maria asked Michael if Julian would get better and Michael said that they’d know in due time.  And that their actions today have an impact on tomorrow. “I’ll come back tomorrow afternoon, be ready to go.” Maria and Lisa spent the day packing, Maria was excited to be going to the church but Lisa was going to miss the plush Ritz Carlton. Where would she smoke a joint at the church?

       The following day Michael showed up in a old white Mercedes and went into the lobby where he found a very anxious Maria with her bags packed. He opens the door to the car and welcomes Maria and her daughter in the 4-door coupe. Maria sat up front while Lisa sat in the back seat. They drove the back way to the church through alleys and driveways but they still ran into trouble. Rounding a corner and coming to an intersection they pulled along side some bangers in a  black, Volkswagon Jetta. The minute Lisa’s eyes landed on that car she was going for the pistol. Michael reached behind him and placed  his hand on the gun and looked at her straight in the eye, which amazed Lisa because he was still driving perfectly straight. He gave her a look of love and knowledge that lasted a good 3 seconds. She put the gun down. But the cholo’s in the car fired on them. Bullets were flying, Lisa ducked her head down but Michael and Maria stayed upright. Not one bullet hit the car. It was magic in practice.

      

       

My fairy G part II

2.

       Lisa finished the workday dwelling on who told. She did not believe Antonio. She learned that when a gang-banger’s mouth is moving he’s usually telling a half-truth, at best. She knew Tabitha to be trustworthy but she also knew that money makes people do crazy things. She got into her red Monte Carlo with sweaty palms, once again, and made her way home through the barrio. She felt like there was a laser beam trained on her car. And she didn’t know if it was the gang or the cops.

       Families in the neighborhood generally have been there for three or more generations and Maria was a third generation Chicana so everybody knew everyone’s family name at the very least. And have been in relationships in some cases. Monique lived across town and was in another set than Lisa was in. They really should not be fraternizing but Lisa saw Monique get disrespected by a stranger to the neighborhood and backed her up. Since then they have been personal friends but gang rivals.

       Lisa was working the busy rush hour stocking shelves when she usually works the cashier. She was restocking some dry goods in the cereal aisle when, she was approached by a man.

       “Miss?” the man asks.

“Yes, how can I help you” A tired Lisa wipes her forehead and stands from a crouching position. The tall Caucasian man dwarfs her. He introduces himself.

“Hi, my name is Michael” the stranger says to Lisa. She was taken back by the man dressed in a gunmetal grey Armani suit. He hands her a card that she doesn’t even look at but puts it in her back pocket.

“I’m Lisa, is there anything I can do for you?”  Lisa is as professional as she can be even though she has quite a bit on her mind.

“I was looking for soup, can you help me find it” Michael says.

“Absolutely,” Lisa starts “its in aisle 3.”

“Thank you very much.” Michael says and he walks away. Lisa returns to stocking cereal but then realizes she told Michael the wrong aisle. She walks to aisle 3 and Michael is nowhere to be found. Lisa checks every aisle in the store, which was quite small being an ethnic grocery store, but she cannot find him anywhere. She goes to the check out counter and asks if they have seen a tall white man in a suit. they all look at her like she’s crazy. A white man in their store, well that was just absurd. Lisa returned to her work but kept him in the back of her mind. She finished her day working at the cash register and drove home in her red Monte Carlo with sweaty palms. She cruised through the neighborhood and over the railroad tracks to her side of town. She rode past the kids playing basketball in the street and by her neighbor who was always out front smoking weed. She pulled into her driveway and noticed that all eyes were on her.

Maria was a devout Catholic and went to church every Sunday. She encouraged Lisa to go but she never did. She only went to church when a friend of hers died. Which was much too often in recent years, due to gang violence. Lisa wore a rosary she was given by her Mother on her Quincenera on her rear view mirror. She had faith in it’s power because it was ingrained in her from a childhood of Bible study and Communion. Lisa’s Mother hit her knees once but said two prayers, one for Saint Mary and one for God, every night. Her faith was stronger then her husbands in prison.

Lisa was panicky and it did not go unnoticed.

“Mija, Que tienes?” Maria is concerned for her daughter.

“Nothing Mommy, it’s just a guy at work.” But it wasn’t, it was the money in the closet and the gun in the garage. And the threat she made toward Julio. Lisa has a history of blowing up at people when she feels cornered and Antonio cornered her.

“Well, you know you can talk to me always.” Maria says.

“I know Mom, I love you.” Lisa says trying to calm her dear Mother. She undressed after dinner before taking a shower and she emptied her pockets and she pulled the card that Michael gave her. It read; Saint Michael Archaeangel and a cell phone number. She thought it odd but she was tired and just wanted to take a shower so she put it in her jewelry box for safe keeping.

Lisa went over to Tabitha’s after work one night and she had some of the homeboys over. Lisa pulled her hand when she came to the front door leaving one of them standing on her doorstep dumbfounded.

“I need to talk to you.” Lisa says while dragging her outside.

“OK! OK! stop pulling my arm, bitch.” Tabitha is quite upset.

“Who did you tell? Damn it..” Lisa is balling up her fist, “you better tell me.”  now she grinding her teeth like a wolf about to make a kill.

“No soy yo, no soy yo!” Tabitha denies any wrongdoing.

“Then why did someone come up in my store talking about it.

“Are you serious?” Tabitha is genuinely surprised.

“Yeah, a guy I know form the neighborhood said that he could help me.”

“You better get rid of that gun and I could help you do that right now.” Tab’s says motioning over her shoulder.

“I know, but not right now.” Lisa said. They sat down on the grass and discussed the situation. Tabitha suggested she get rid of all the evidence, the gun, the money and forget that east side bitches name. Lisa didn’t want to get rid of the money in case they want it back. She left Tabitha’s and went home and decided on the ride home to put the money in a safe deposit box, which she had never seen before. She decided to keep the gun on her.

She went to the bank the next day and ran into an old friend while waiting in line. He introduced himself but she did not recognize him. They left the bank together and went for lunch at a local restaurant. They discussed what was going on in their lives but Lisa didn’t say a thing about the money. Within a couple days they were boyfriend and girlfriend. His name was Rodrigo but everyone just called him Rod.

Tabitha was not being the trusted friend that Lisa thought she was. All the homeboys that were at her house the day she stopped by knew about the heist. But Lisa trusted her and was satisfied by her answer when asked whom she told and she told Tabitha about the shoebox in her closet. Best friends can easily become worst enemies.

One weekday when Lisa was off work, her and Rod had the house to themselves and they took advantage of it. It started out as just lounging on the couch but it escalated quickly to fondling and kissing.

“Papasito, no toke, no toke.” Lisa was playing with him acting like she did not want him to touch her.

“Mama, su carmelo es damesiado bueno!” Rod cannot resist her.

“Here, here.” Lisa places his hand on her breasts and they begin to kiss passionately. Rod had been to Lisa’s before that day and he knew the layout of the house. He picked up her body and held it like a child holds his Favorite toy and carried it to her bedroom where he lay her down on her bed.

“Venga aqui, bad boy!” under that hardcore attitude Lisa was just a girl wanting love. Rod started by pulling her jeans off, foot by naked foot. Then she took off her linen, airy blouse and Victoria’s bra. And then Rod started kissing her toes and then gradually moved them up her leg to her calf, then her thigh past home and on to her perky breasts. Lisa cooed with anticipation. Rod put his hand on the bed and then his knee. The room smelled of lavender and the sheets were bright white along with her comforter. Lisa was laying in a pile of goose down as Rod crawled on top of her dropping kisses like Hansel and Gretel’s bread crumbs. His lips saddled hers and tongue twisters were had but not spoken. Then he lapped up her puddles and they made passionate love for over an hour, it was their first time together. When they finished Rod wanted to light up a cigarette but Lisa stopped him. Then she popped up and went to the bathroom to freshen up and as she was washing her face she heard a sound like her closet doors. Luckily she kept the gun under the bathroom sink when she didn’t have it on her. She grabbed the gun, which was already chambered, and crept around the corner of the bathroom so she could see Rod and sure enough he was going through her closet.

“What the fuck are you doing? Down, down!” Lisa takes control like a pro with some home invasion experience, “On the ground, face down, you piece of shit! I should just shoot you right now!”

“Please don’t I have a baby girl!” That got Lisa, she knows what it’s like growing up without a Father.

“Who sent you?” Lisa is not in the mood for lies, “And don’t fucking lie!” She takes a step between his naked legs next to his penis. “OK!, OK! Manuel sent me...Tabitha’s friend!”

“Well, you tell Tabitha,” she grabs the slide on the Glock and pulls it back and releases it expelling a bullet on Rod’s bare ass and chambering another round. People pay more attention when they hear a gun being cocked., “ that I’ve got something for her...and Manuel, La muerte se acerca!” Lisa let’s him know that death is coming for them. “And what happened to, ‘I’ll take care of you and your sick brother?’” You’re a punk and a bitch and should never leave my bedroom floor, but you have to. Now look at me!” Rod twist his head from the prone position he’s been laying in. When his eyes make contact with Lisa’s she pistol whipped him, drawing blood. “Now get up!” Rod struggles to get to his feet and Lisa sticks the gun in his side and forces him out the front door with no clothes, no car keys only instructions on what to tell those who tried to set her up.

After Rod left, Lisa broke down mostly because of the betrayal by her best friend, Tabitha, but there was something else was wrong and she didn’t know what was wrong. She remembered the card Michael gave her and went to her jewelry box and got it. She picked up her phone and dialed an area code she had never heard of nor seen before.

“Lisa, I’ve been waiting to hear form you!” Michael says with enthusiasm. Lisa is tentatively happy. Michael didnt even say ‘hello’, he just knew and that freaked Lisa out a little bit.

“Yeah, hi! I was just thinking of you.” Lisa didn’t know what else to say.

“Well, I’m glad you called, what problem do you have?” Michael asks.

“How do you know I have a problem?” Lisa is apprehensive.

“Well, that’s what I do, I’m sure you read about me when you were a little girl.” Michael is blowing her mind.

“Yes, but...you’re a real angel.” Lisa says it like he’s full of crap.

“I’m not only real, but I’m the the angel that protects all people on Earth and right now I believe you need protection.” Michael is speaking reality to her and she’s picking it up.

“OK, so you are real and not trying to set me up?” Lisa takes one last jab at Michael to see if he’d crack.

“I seem to believe that you have already been set up?” Michael makes his statement but in the tone of a question.

“OK, fine, you are real and you’re here to protect me, so...where’s my rosary?” Lisa is testing him now for no apparent reason other than that’s the nature of gangsters, not to trust anyone, and test everyone who tries to get too close.

“That’s too easy, everyone seems to keep them on their rear view mirror when it would protect them better around their necks.” Michael squashes her misgivings. “You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know but I can only help you if you ask for it, I can’t force it down your throat.”

“OK, I was set up by my friend who knew I was given a large amount of cash and a weapon,” Lisa explains. “by using my heart as bait.”

“Believe it or not, I have seen this problem before and I can help you. First, we need to get all your loved ones out of the house. Use some of the money if you have to. They won’t miss it.”

Fairy Gang-Banger (tentative) part 1

Lisa was a 20 year-old Chicana that grew up without a Father. Her Mother worked two jobs to support her and her little brother, one at the bank and one as a medical claims processor. Lisa had just graduated high school and was lost. She was working part time at a Mexican grocery store and hanging out with her friends when she was off. She had boyfriends but at the moment she was single.

            She was a bad ass. Or at least that’s the image that she let get spread around the neighborhood. One time someone was picking on her best friend Gwendolyn. It was the neighborhood bully, a short but stocky guy with a shaved head. Lisa stood up for Gwen challenging him to a fight and then attacking him before he could answer.

Lisa was a pretty Latina with long wavy hair, the kind that you just want to lay down in. She was a scrapper. Nobody ever messed with her little brother, Julian. She scared grown men and found it hard to keep a boyfriend. She was a strong young lady. But on the inside she missed her Daddy. She was tough because she needed to be with no man in the house. She would even stand up for her Mother when people would cut her off at he grocery store. Her Mother, Maria, was meek and had a tendency to let people walk all over her. Lisa was the opposite of this.

Her Father went to jail for drugs when she was a baby and when the laws were stricter in California. Now, he would just get a slap on the wrist. He got a 25 to life sentence. He still had 5 years before he would go up in front of the parole board. Lisa was not really eager to see him. This was a man she never even made memories with. Her Mother talked highly of him but her Mother never had a foul word to say about anyone. Lisa knew that she held her tongue and probably without even trying. It was something that she was brought up with.

The streets were the Father figure that Lisa needed. Her partners were there when her Father was not. They were Lisa’s Father, big brother, and backup for any situation. Lisa was initiated into a gang at birth. Her Father was writing a story that Lisa was expected to finish. Luckily Lisa was down, but not for her Father’s reputation. She was down for her friends and her family. She had their back even when they were shackled from head to toe. No one was going to take another person from Lisa. Her Father’s imprisonment created the fire inside her.

Lisa was at a crossroads but didn’t recognize it. Her new friends were trouble and she knew this but she didn’t know just how bad they were. Until one morning when she was home doing nothing her friends called on her for a favor that she wasn’t prepared for. It began with a knock at the door.

“Hey, what’s up?” Lisa says to an eager group of her new friends.

“Let us in, let us in.” Monique says to a bewildered Lisa and then they just push their way in.

“What the hell.” Lisa says as the group of four, pour into her house and close the door behind. The group is all out of wind and trying to catch up to it.

“Chill out, Mija, we are going to help you and your family.” Monique says with two large Cholo’s by her side, Lisa would not be intimidated by anyone in her own house.

“What’s going on?” Lisa says mildly angry.

“Look, we have money, lots of money.” Monique pulls out wrapped bills and stacks them on the coffee table.

“Damn, where did you get this?” Lisa is intrigued by the money but has a bad feeling. “What did you do?”

“Don’t trip, Its OK.” Monique says. ”This is my homeboy Julio.” she begins. “And the others are his homeboys. And we need you to hold this.” and she sets carefully a Glock 17 handgun. on top of the money. And they leave as quickly as they came.

Lisa didn’t even have time to protest. Now she had a pile of money, a pistol and no idea what to do with it. First, Lisa knew she had to hide the gun so she put it in a trashcan in the garage that held dirty laundry. Then she put the money in a shoebox in her closet. Then she sat down, turned on the radio and heard something ominous. It was a report that four people had robbed a local bank. Her palms started to sweat and thoughts of her Father invaded her mind. Prison was now on her mind. But her Mother really needed the money.

She got in her car and drove to her girlfriend, Tabitha’s house. Pulling into the driveway her red Monte Carlo bottomed out on the hills of Highland Park. Her adrenaline was pumping and her sweaty hands turned the wheel into the apartment stall that was open. Most of the residents were at work. In her bare feet she climbed the stairs to Tab’s apartment and knocked.

“Hey what’s up cuz?” Tabitha says. Lisa pushes her way into her house.

“I’m sorry I just need to talk.” Lisa explains herself.

“What’s wrong?” Tabitha asks as she shuts the door.

“C’mere sit down,” Lisa says as she pats the couch cushion next to her. Tabitha complies. “Remember Monique?”

“Yeah, I don’t like that bitch.” Tab’s says.

“Her and some of her homies came by this morning and, well, you gotta promise not to tell. I’m serious you promise?” Lisa asks.

“Yeah, I promise.” Tabitha replies.

“OK. She came into my house and put down a pile of money and a gun, and then just left.” Lisa says.

“I believe it.” Tabitha says.

“Well, then I heard on the radio that a bank was robbed. When they came in they were out of breath like they were running and the bills are wrapped like from the bank.” Lisa is all worked up.

“Calm down, calm down, Chica.” Tabitha says.

“I don’t know what to do!” Lisa says while leaning on her friends shoulder.

“You can start by not telling anyone else.” Tabitha says. “How much was there.”

“I didn’t count it.” Lisa admits.

“And where did you put the gun?” Tabitha asks.

“I put it in a trashcan in my garage” Lisa tells her friend whom she trusts with her life.

Lisa was an emotional person but hid behind a hard gangster girl persona. She liked flowers and kittens and children. But would never let her homies know that. Her Mother and her little brother knew the beauty that lived inside her. But nobody else. Having emotions did not fit in with her gangster lifestyle and was seen as a sign of weakness. She was her Father’s daughter and was held to a higher standard by her gang.

Meanwhile, Tabitha was calling her homeboys to tell them the story, which was looked down upon by her other gangster friends but, with this much money, it got overlooked. And Lisa would only find out when she went to work.

“Wassup baby girl?” a Cholo wearing khakis and an oversized white T-shirt asks Lisa. “Heard what happened, I can help you.”

“I’m gonna kill...” Lisa starts.

“Hold on Chica, who are you gonna kill?” the Cholo, name Antonio says.

“My girlfriend who was talking about business.” Lisa says.

“I didn’t hear it from Tabitha.” Antonio says.

“How do you know I told Tabitha?” Lisa is getting angry.

“You know the streets have ears. I was told by my homie, Julio.” Antonio corrects Lisa and his groceries were almost bagged. Lisa was a cashier. The bag boy was listening to the whole conversation. Lisa made sure not to slip up or let Antonio to slip up. But somebody would. Lisa steps out from behind the cashier’s booth and grabs him by the collar and twists it in her hands.

“You tell Julio that if I see him I’m gonna shoot him with his own gun!” she relaxes on his collar that was choking him “And don’t think I won’t”. Lisa didn’t mess around.

The money was the big issue, and everyone would want a piece. No doubt Monique would be back for it even though she could just assume it is payment for holding the gun. She would not.

Payday

When I have it, I act like I have it,

I’m generous to strangers,

mainly because I’m looking for an accomplice, a partner in crime,

the party is on me.

And why act broke and miserly, when you have enough,

even when you know it’s not going to last all month.

When it runs out, it’s gone and that’s that, I cope.

But things are more enjoyable when shared.

And sharing with a perfect stranger is truly a thrill.

The Letter and the Grocery Store

Backhanded on the bus,

awoken in the grocery

produce heartburn,

crackers and cookies inspired,

cheesy thoughts,

shared on the toilet,

a fishy review,

checkout the smiles,

riding the bus home watching the sun reflecting,

people talking behind

I am looking forward

headshot of cold water,

come home to leave again.

Kedik

Mid-Life Crisis 2.

He was on the shore of a stony beach; it was overcast with dark clouds on the horizon and there laid a large canoe. He was bare footed and walked on shiny rounded stones eroded by the sea. The wind was blowing his long hair across his face. He brushed it away and spoke aloud.

       “Where are the oars for the boat?” Martin said. He knew he was speaking to the creator of worlds. Was he to take the boat into the sea and float away with the current or hold on to this rocky outcrop? This was his contemplation. The current could have him floating around in circles but he was alone and had no shelter or food. There was a cliff to his left that he could possibly climb. Or maybe he could make oars from some debris on the beach. He would be getting into a rudderless boat and trusting the current to take him somewhere. The beach was rocky and Martin made his way to the cliff. He was going to climb it to get a better view. He slowly and methodically made his way up the cliff making footholds with his hands. The cliff was mostly brown, loose dirt with some rocks poking out that he use to pull himself up. He could see there was green grass at the top. He grabbed a rock with his left hand and reached up and grabbed a fist full of green grass. He made it to the top; he pulled himself up with both arms and got a knee under him. He stood up and turned around to see the view.

        As he turned he heard a voice and he was back in the hospital bed.

       “Hi Marty.” it was his ex-girlfriend Cali, “I know it’s been a long time. You know that I still care about you. And my Mother is in love with you. If you can hear me, I miss you, every boyfriend I’ve had since you has not loved me the way you did. You ruined me.” Martin was only partially in the room. He could hear what Cali said and felt her heart and it was sore like it had been through a fight for her life. Suddenly he was back fully and tried to move his arm but couldn’t, a hemp rope was around his waist attached to the darkness. Cali was Martin’s girlfriend for two years and his first love. It was a tumultuous two years. She was valedictorian at school and gave a moving speech at graduation. Martin loved her because they were both so similar and that’s what lead to them breaking up. Martin broke it off because they were fighting too much and he knew it was time to move on. “I brought you some white roses for the purity of your heart. I love you Marty, come back to us.” She kissed him on the lips and Martin felt the warmth of her full lips and remembered when her kiss was his. He felt their love again.

       Martin met Cali in Junior High School when both were going through the awkwardness of puberty. It wasn’t love at first sight. They were enemies until High School. But there they found each other post-puberty and found the other desirable and attractive. They dated throughout High School, until just before graduation they broke up. But they were still in school together, having arranged to go to the same college, which was just down the street from their high school; it was a state college, Cal State University Northridge. She could have gone anywhere; he had a scholarship in Track and Field to Northridge. She didn’t necessarily follow him, she wanted to stay close to home, but to everyone on the outside of their little binary star it looked like it. Nobody knew what was going on inside Cali’s head. Her parents didn’t necessarily want her to move away but did want her to reach as far out as her dreams were and not let love or anything else stand in their way. Cali was on Cali time. She was laid back; good grades were a snap for her. She didn’t strain herself by taking Advanced Placement courses like all the “too smart to socialize” crowd was. She just took the classes that were asked of her and aced every one. She could have gone the AP route and got some college credits but that’s a pain in the ass. Not only do you have to pass the AP class, you have to take an AP test I that subject and pass that to get college credit. When would she have time to sell marijuana? Everyone but the school police knew that Cali had the best pot. She was smart in business, she knew how to make money, even in high school. She took to Capitalism like a duck to water.

       She told Martin that she had this world figured out, or at least America.

“The dollar is king”, she would tell Martin, “if you have it you live a happy life and if you don’t then you don’t. Well, how do you get the dollar?” She went on, “Sell people shit, drugs, clothes, houses, anything. It’s simple.”

“I think you are an entrepreneur”, Martin would tell her. But that’s when times were good. Then Cali started to complain about the tone of his voice calling him “passive aggressive”. He would tell her to stop smoking up her profits. This would piss off Cali and then all hell broke loose. Hell hath no fury like Cali’s. She would not hesitate to punch Martin, and in the face. This would make Martin laugh. Cali was 5’4” after all. Martin was 6’3”, nearly a foot taller and 80lbs. heavier. She might as well have been punching a bag of sand, but the face was only going to happen once, then Martin started catching her punches to the face.

“Stop, you’re going to leave a bruise.” Martin would say. And that poured gas on the fire. But Martin knew how to snuff out all the anger from inside Cali, it was as simple as grabbing her face and planting a kiss on those pouty lips. Then her tense body would go limp and collapse into Martin arms. His kisses made her swoon like a 13 year-old girl kissing her idol. And the feeling of her lips again nearly brought him back from a coma. Martin was shouting on the inside trying to get out, but the sea of nothingness in which he bobbed like a cork overtook him every time he took a breath to speak. When he realized what was going on he tried to break free but the rope was tied too tight.

“OK sweetie, remember, I love you. I’m going to go now.” Cali said and then opened the door that the nurses let her close for their visit, and departed. Cali would not dare say good-bye at a time like this. She rarely said that word in her everyday life. Martin shed a tear but nobody saw it. No movement in his face, only a tear down his cheek. One tear rolling over miniature hairs on his cheekbone down to his beard which was not thick but it existed. It continued to roll down the underside of his chin, down his neck and came to rest in the trough of his clavicle. It was a sign of life that Cali brought out. That love brought out. But it had been a long time.

Martin had not been in love since they broke up in college. He’d had girlfriends but never any he really cared for or that he’d move in with. He always broke it off and sometimes when things were good but Martin just realized that they were wasting each other’s time. She thinks he ruined her. He ruined both of them. He never had feelings like he had with her, he thought it was because she was the first but recently he decided that that was bullshit. It had been long enough for that to wear down. He just wasn’t open to, or didn’t know, what his heart wanted. And Cali had her eyes open. She wasn’t mindlessly walking through life. She was conscious.

Tammy worked five days a week and took care of Martin each one of those days for eight hours. He always knew it was her because she’d greet him like she would anyone.

“Hey Martin, how was your evening...not talking OK, two can play that game.” Tammy was a joker. “Don’t mind me, I’m just silly, and busy, you want something just yell...see there I go again.” she was working with more than just Martin. She had eight other patients to see. “I see you’ve been eating well,” Tammy takes a look at the bottle of tan liquid that suffices for food. “The doctor will be here today.” and she leaves the room. She would later come in and sponge-bathe Martin.

Martin sat in a boxcar rolling down the rails. He was alone and knew to put a piece of wood in the rail of the door to prevent it from closing because once it’s closed it’s not opening until someone from the outside opens it. He had a backpack that he knew he had packed but didn’t remember when he packed it. He had a block of cheese and a loaf of French bread, and a pocketknife. He was wearing warm clothes, the sun was going down into the ocean, and it would soon be dark. He saw he was on the coast but where? The boxcar was only open on one side. He was resting on a hay bale when he woke. He was wearing a pair of 10-hole oxblood Doc Martin boots that were hurting his feet because they appeared to be new. He had worn Doc Martin boots one time before that he could remember but his memory was foggy. And he knew he had to make a decision, stay on the boxcar or jump into the setting sun. He didn’t know where he was and although he had something to eat he longed for companionship, and the only way to that was the uncertainty of night.

The Dawson family asked where Martin went and the hospital told them where he was and they came to visit again.

“It’s Ben and Cyndi, we brought Abbey by to meet you, and we thought it was important.” Ben Dawson said. “Oh, it’s the Dawson family.” Cyndi elbows Ben in the ribs. “Stop it!” he said under his breath.

“We brought you more flowers, this time Abbey picked them out.” Cyndi said. “There’s sunflowers and tulips and I picked some red, white, and yellow roses, with baby’s breath of course.” Cyndi said.

“This place is nice, the nurses care about you a lot and we met your sister, Amy. She a very beautiful person, she shines from the inside.” Ben said.

“Yeah, we like her a lot and she played with Abbey for almost a whole hour.” Cyndi adds.

“We might be going to dinner with your sister next week.” Ben continues. “If she can get more time off work. She’s staying in a motel down the street. Her husband stayed home with her daughter.”

 Martin was taken out of the boxcar by the voice of Ben Dawson before he could make a decision of what to do. He was snapped out of his deep sleep so fast it shocked him. Who were these people? What did he do that was so heroic? His sister was actually staying down the street in a motel, what? Abbey was their little girl, he understood that much, but not much else. He started trying to undo the knot in the rope but it was no use, it was tied tight.

He was getting visits from people whom weren’t in his life anymore. He hadn’t been on a track team in 15 years. His friends from the team were part of his dream and he was starting to come around but not enough to be considered “conscious” again. He didn’t know what they were talking about. They had it all wrong. Martin was more conscious than he’s ever been. His consciousness was flying free of his body, he could be in the room with the people that are visiting him or wandering his past when they are gone. The only thing he couldn’t do was look into the future. He didn’t know why, yet. He supposed it was because it hadn’t happened, yet. He saw that every moment, every step we take in the “present” is our hammer coming down on a chisel, etching in stone our personal history. He could see that it is our bodies that have “destinies”, our consciousness’s are only the electricity which give our bodies “life”, that light them up like a light bulb. One cannot exist without the other. Although in the world we see bodies walking through life acting as if their bodies weren’t filled with a soul, an inner being of light. Those bodies are walking through the darkness and we pray for and show them love, in spite of their lack of life.    

           Martin was breathing some sort of fluid. It was a comfortable orange liquid. He was swimming in the liquid that appeared to be air. He was above then below and anywhere he wanted to be. He could change locations just by thinking it. He thought this was so cool but he was not acting like it. It just was. The only thing that was unsure was Martin’s presence. Where was he? Many people wondered that very thing, including Martin when he was shocked out of a dream by an unfamiliar voice. Where was he, indeed?

      

Mid-life Crisis 1.

Martin lay on an emergency room table, bleeding profusely from a bullet wound to his lower back and going in and out of consciousness. The loss of blood was depriving his brain of oxygen and he was slowly drifting off, he just wanted the doctors to turn off the lamp above his head, he couldn’t even see through the light it was so bright. But he could hear voices.

       “He’s gone, he’s unconscious,” the nurse said.

       “Get 10 cc’s of...,” a male voice said and that’s the last thing he heard before realizing that there was no lamp above his head. This is what everyone was always talking about, he thought. The light was warm and welcoming. He could see his own bloody body on the table and wondered what happened. He was not unconscious, his consciousness just left his body, there isn’t such thing as not conscious; only unconscious behavior.

       He noticed the wind, blowing memories by his mind’s eye. There were old thoughts of his loved ones. There was nothing was new anymore, things either were or they were not. Time became a fluid in which all events were contained and it sat in a puddle before Martin. The spigot was turned off and Martin had the power to open it up again and was aware of it. He didn’t know how long he had been there but it seemed like he had always been there. He let the river of time flow by him, again, as if it mattered anymore. Time was something for the “living”. But martin had never felt more alive. His life began to pass before his eyes quickly, in slow motion. And all the moments in his life where he showed mercy were stacked against all the moments in his life were he didn’t. All the time in which he suffered with the times when he felt joy. He didn’t feel judged, but recognized, for the good and the bad.

       “Clear!” the doctor shouted and placed the paddles on Martin’s chest. They hit the button and Martin saw his limp body jump upward but he didn’t feel anything except peace.

He didn’t care if he lived or died. Most of his loved ones have already left the uncertainty of life. Although he did have a sister that he could see would need him. He could see his Mother lugging her typewriter home at night to earn more money working at home, when it was just she and Martin. He could feel her pain from raising him alone, and the solitude. He could understand what he couldn’t while living. He could feel others’ feelings and some he didn’t appreciate. Like his stepfather’s when he first met his Mother. He didn’t like Martin very much. But although Martin could feel these feelings that he didn’t like very much, he had love in his heart for him, and everything else. He had the most complete and fulfilling sense of love he had ever had.

              Then he felt himself swept away and brought into his over-indulgent 20’s. He beat himself like a dog that had just ruined the carpet, again. He saw himself obsessing over alcohol and sex, breaking the laws of the land and putting himself in harm’s way. He saw himself rub shoulders with death. He saw himself mistreating girlfriends not by cheating or beating but by lack of consideration. Then he was swept away again into his childhood, when he was a mere prisoner to his parents. He saw the abuse he endured by his stepfather and saw him having to endure the same abuse after he died. He got no gratification out of it; he only had love inside of him. He saw his Mother, lonely and loveless, until George, his stepfather came along. He felt himself slipping out of his body but wanted to hold on. He also knew, and was at peace with, having to move on from the Earthly bonds of the flesh. It was only flesh, after all.

       He felt himself, his inner self, shot out into space and was looking back on his life and it was a swirling ball in front of his eyes surrounded by the darkness of space. It wasn’t the Earth he was seeing but his world and everything he’s ever known. He could feel that he had to make a choice. Does he want back in or not? He really did. And suddenly his pulse got stronger, the doctors and nurses had worked hard to stabilize him. He had blood coming into his body, but it wasn’t his blood and he knew this. The blood had a foreign feel to it. He could feel the essence of the woman it came from and she was still happily walking the Earth. He was back in his body but in a coma. The bullet had punctured his spinal chord and he was paralyzed from the waist down. In his coma he heard doctors telling the nurse that he would never walk again. He changed his mind. He didn’t want to be back anymore. He didn’t want to live life as a paraplegic.

       His sister came and visited him in the hospital and was quite distraught.

       Through a waterfall of tears, ”Marty come back to us, this is your sister Amy, I know we moved far away and we wanted to see you more but with work and all...Goddamn it! Don’t do this, we need you...I need you!” she was pounding on his arm with her fist. “We love you very much.” and then she started crying to the point of not being able to talk. She rested her forehead on his arm, while he lay motionless. Her tears were dripping on the floor beneath his bed and Martin could hear them hit the floor like boulders from a 99^th floor window.

       Martin heard every word she said but was away in a slumber that swallowed him like a whale does plankton. He was a mere speck in a sea of nothingness. In a sinkhole with no bottom, he was freefalling and he’d never been so comfortable in life. Then he got a visit from someone he did not know,

       “I know you don’t know us but we just want to say Thank you. We hope you can hear us. What you did was heroic. Alright guys let’s go.” the voice was male but he could smell the perfume of a woman in the room. He had no idea who he was and the perfume was one he was not familiar with. And then he could feel the sensation of a tube down his throat and it irritated him. At the time Martin was single. He was an athlete and some of his buddies that were on the track team as him came by.

       “The doctor said that you can hear us, I don’t know how he knows this, he said that he’d never been in a coma. But anyway, we need you back, man. The team needs you because Josh can’t always win like you can, I mean, he does a good job trying.” Bobby said.

       “Alright, it’s my turn to talk to him, c’mon Martin, we need you to compete in your event, and we have always needed your points to win the Meet.” Thomas said

       “You guys are so insensitive,” it was Lilly, the female 100 meter hurdler who never won her event but tried her damnedest each time sometimes hitting every hurdle and falling on the last three, but she would always get up and try for the next one. “Martin, I know your Mother died and you don’t really have a Dad but,” and this part she whispered into his ear, “I have feelings for you and have never said anything because of these to lugs always being around us,” and then she stopped whispering, “ Come back Marty! I brought you some flowers.”

       “I?” Bobby interjects.

       “OK, WE brought you some flowers and they’re just beautiful.” Lilly corrects herself.

       “Yeah, we all pitched in, Marty.” Thomas said. They had never called him Marty before. Only people that love him call him, Marty, but they didn’t know that.

       “There’s also some flowers from,” Lilly fumbles with the little card attached to the bouquet, “The Dawson family. Whoever that is.”

       “But are’s are bigger” Thomas said.

       “And more colorful” Bobby added.

       “We all love you and want you to come back and not just for the points at then Meet,” Lilly looks at Thomas and makes a face saying ‘you’re a jerk’. “We just want our friend back.” and she starts to sob, as Bobby puts his arm around her.

       “Don’t cry it will scare him!” Thomas said.

       “He can hear you ya’ know” Lilly says in between sobs.

       “Shhh...he’ll be alright, you know Martin, he’s a pretty tough dude.” Bobby tries to comfort Lilly. Martin heard every word they said and never knew that Lilly had feelings for him. He wanted to wake up and hold her himself but something was blocking him from coming back. It was like a string was tied to his consciousness and attached to something in the darkness. He couldn’t break free. It was like he was swimming in an ocean of awareness and he was bobbing up and down, he could hear everything that was going on, then he was pulled down into an abyss and deep sleep. And a wave came just as Bobby tried to comfort Lilly and he was sucked under into deep sleep. Bobby, Thomas and Lilly left after Lilly broke down completely and was crying uncontrollably.

       Martin was in suspended animation, he was not dead and was aware of that but he wasn’t really eager to come back and be a paraplegic, he figured that Lilly, Bobby and Thomas didn’t know that. The doctor came in briefly and checked his chart and left. He was the nurse’s responsibility, now; there was nothing that the doctors could do for him. Lost in slumber he was transferred out of the hospital to a nursing home. The nurses greeted him as if he were alive.

       “Hello, Martin? Is it? You’ll be in room 27 and Tammy will be taking care of you, today, you are at Shady Acres nursing home.” and he was wheeled away to room 27 by the ambulance drivers, lifted off the gurney and plopped down on the bed.

       “Hi Martin. I’m Tammy.” I’ll get you situated, “I know you’ve probably been ignored because you’re in a coma, but I know you can hear me. My uncle was in a coma for five months and he told me that he heard every word I said while he was asleep.” Tammy finished.

       ‘Finally!’ Martin thought, someone who actually knew what he was going through. He did hear every word she said and would have woken to thank her but this damn string was still hanging him up. Tammy smelled good and Martin didn’t usually like women’s perfume, it was too flowery. He liked the smell of woods like Sandalwood and Cedar; about the only flower that Martin liked was Jasmine.

       Tammy made him comfortable and turned on the TV which was completely unnecessary, he would have rather heard some music but he knew that she was trying and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all the hard work that the people around him have done. And for his sister, Christine, She has always been there for him. She was his stepsister and 9 years younger than he. But Martin changed her diapers and loved her like his blood. He remembers having to get her ready, in the morning, to go to the babysitter. Putting on her little shoes and little jacket. He was in Junior High and getting her dressed was a chore, then, now it’s one of his most cherished memories. He was proud of Christine; she was growing into a fine young lady.

       Besides being on the High School Track team, Martin was an accomplished pianist. His teacher was David.

“The music studio hasn’t been the same without you. We need you to accompany singers auditioning for the talent show. Right now they’re relying on me and they need to audition with the person they’ll be playing with, you.” David was full of compliments for his prized student. But it wasn’t always like that.

“That’s arrogant of you to play Shostakovich’s Lady Macbeth. You’re good but you don’t have to flaunt it. You should be more conservative with your choice for the recital. You don’t need to blow everyone’s mind all the time!” David told Martin.

“How about Stravinsky?” Martin asked him.

“Better, but you should be trying to play a piece that you have a firm, I mean death grip, on.” David said.

“OK, chopsticks it is!” Martin liked being a smartass.

“Uggh!” David throws up his hands and walks away.

Martin played Schubert’s “Unfinished Symphony” for the recital and wowed the audience but horrified David.

“Show off!” David said to Martin as he left the stage. But really he was proud of him. He was just hard on him because if he is his prized student David was going to make sure he was the best that he could possibly be.

“We really need you back, and the nurses told me that they need the room.” to that Martin smiled and David saw it.

“He smiled! he smiled!,” stepping out into the hallway, “He smiled!” David shouted down the hall, but the only thing he got was an old man trying to sleep yelling back,

“He probably just has gas! Can it, will ya’ some of us are trying to sleep.” but it was 11 in the morning.

Chain Male acts 2 and 3

When Tim returned from the delivery the door was locked so he used his key. Upon entry he found Carmen in the bedroom taking off her clothes. She yelled,

       “Get out stranger!” Carmen liked to role-play.

       “No, you’re gonna do what I say, now get in here.” Tim said surprised and not knowing what to do he plays along. She comes out wearing red thigh high stockings, red panties and a red bra.

       “Stranger keep your hands off of me.” Woooah, Tim was stunned not only did she take his power she got him to give it willingly, but this was a reward for going to Grandma’s and leaving the package at the door because Grandma can’t hear. Tim felt his power being sucked out of him by her female ways. He was becoming weak, vulnerable; he’s never had a woman initiate sex before, he didn’t like giving up his power but at the moment it felt like a fair trade. She caught him in her web, he was stuck and mocking an escape but ultimately going nowhere. They had sex and she directed him like a child, she was going to get off, if she had to draw him a picture. If he got off it would have to be vicariously. When she climaxed she climbed off Tim and lit a cigarette. Tim was so in awe he pleasured himself looking at her. He would later analyze the situation and regret the whole thing. But Carmen gave him a couple hundred dollars and said.

       “Come and go as you please but on Grandma day, I need you here, OK?”

       “OK, I’ll be going now.” Tim gathered his clothes and left the lioness’ lair. The female energy was so dense it created a haze in the room. He got dressed in the living room while Carmen got dressed hooking her bra on her back standing in front of a closet door mirror. Tim sat on the couch putting his socks back on.

       “You OK in there!” Carmen says with a cigarette hanging from her mouth.

       “Yeah, I’m fine.” his tone changed completely. It didn’t go unnoticed.

       Tim left Carmen’s in bewildered, he wasn’t sure who won but he had a feeling it wasn’t him. He made his way to the bus stop and got to Dana’s, which was closest. He opened the door, didn’t let the cats out, the house was dark but the sun was breaking through the spaces in the vertical blinds that slowly wavered back and forth due to the disturbance of air from him opening the door. Her house always smelled like a library. He turned on the lights and slumped down on the couch debating what to do next. He went in the bathroom and searched his body for injection marks, he thought Carmen might have injected him with something in his sleep. He found none, it was just a good old fashion hood-winking by someone better at the game than him, but he couldn’t see that, yet. It was late in the day, by now and Dana should be home at any minute. He was too befuddled to watch television, is Dana had one. She dressed conservatively bus was not like that, actually. When she walked in the door Tim was on the couch with his head in his hands,

“Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?” Dana asks.

“Nothing, nothing...just tired.” Tim says raising his head up looking worked over.

“You don’t look good let me get you a drink, what would you like?” Dana asks.

“Vodka on the rocks, thanks.” Tim replies no thinking of which of his girlfriends house he was at.

“I don’t drink, remember, it’s cranberry juice or...a diet coke, I haven’t been to the store in a while, do you want to go later?” she asks.

“Yeah, and I’ll take the coke, with ice please.” Tim responds. Dana walks out of the kitchen and produces and glass of ice and the can of Diet Coke. Tim fills the glass and drains it as if he crossed the desert. “Why don’t you put some cold water on your face and we’ll go

to the

store.” Dana liked to take control and Tim was in no position to

argue. Tim went to the kitchen sink and splashed water on his face

while looking out at the front yard through her stucco house that was

an exact replica of the house next door. “He wanted to duck his whole

head in a vat of ice water, maybe that would wake him from this

nightmare. He started to think he was the mark but that thought was

quickly dashed by his ego, which wouldn’t allow him to believe that

someone got over on him.

“You ready?” Dana asked. She drove a Chevy Caprice, the model car that

the police used back in the 80’s. Her car was even conservative.

“You play the librarian role very good.” Tim said not realizing that

he was saying more about himself than her.

“Role?” Dana was starting to get angry.

“I’m sorry, I meant that you make librarians look sexy.” Tim quickly

and deftly covers himself.

“Well, thank you.” Dana says smiling completely falling for his cheap

cover-up. They chat about music and films both of which Tim had a weak

grasp of; this is when he appeared to listen. But his mind was

concocting the next scheme, he wanted to go back to her house and have

sex. He was attracted to her in that librarian way. In bed is where

Dana lets loose, she was a wild animal leaving scratches on him when

they first met. Then he told her she couldn’t do that. The ride was

short and they got the grocery store where Tim was just a happy

servant, running like a dog after a bone, catching it and running back

for the next toss. He let her catch him looking at her ass, which was

cute but tiny. He didn’t mention anything about wanting sex; he knew

that she got off on spontaneity. But when all the groceries were in

the house he pushed her up against the refrigerator and had his way

with her. She wasn’t raped but enjoyed the fantasy.

 “So what’s for dinner?” Tim says, “Oh, I’m sorry, you were fantastic.

As always.”

Feeling disrespected but not allowing herself to feel it because she’s

so lonely,” Oh, thank you, so were you, I can see that we’ve both read

the Kama Sutra.” Dana laughs. Tim has no idea what she’s talking about

but laughs anyway. “So, you’re hungry, well what do you want to eat?”

“Do you have corned beef?” Tim asks.

“No, no Corned beef, but I do have...” looking through a grocery bag,

“Filet Mignon.” Dana answers.

“That will be fine, thanks.” Tim knows when to be polite and how to do

it. “Can I help you?”

“Oh, no, why don’t you make us a drink.” Dana says.

“My choice?” Tim says smiling.

Sighs. ”Hell, no, pour a double of vodka into a tall glass, add some

Kahluha and bring the glass here.” Dana is certain about what she

wants.

“White Russian, good choice. I’ll have a double screwdriver. That way

at least we’ll smell the same.” Tim says and they both laugh. They

both drank a little too much. Tim drank more than Dana but prodded her

to drink more and she did. He was using Dana as a shoulder, but Tim

didn’t cry. He just needed to feel normal again, taking advantage of

people and getting away with it. He was so in denial over what he was

doing that he didn’t even know what was going on and reality shocked

him. He wanted to talk to someone about it but he had nobody to tell

that he was a fraud and a liar.

Tim stayed with Dana for a few days until he felt the tension in her

voice and saw it in her countenance; careful not to overstay his

welcome he gathered his things and told her he had a load to take to a

county 600 miles away. She offered to give him a ride to his truck but

he didn’t actually have a truck to go to he turned her down. So he

left that morning thanking Dana for having him and promised that he’d

be back. He still had three days ‘til he had to be at Carmen’s so he

went to Jill’s apartment.

Jill was surprised to see him, as they always are, but welcomed him

in, as they always do. Tim tries to stay away long enough to create a

need for companionship. Then when Tim comes over they treat him really

good. Jill was the woman that Tim has been working the longest; he had

been with her for nine months. Dana was second at six months and

Carmen he just met almost a week ago. Dana was wild in bed, Carmen was

like Caramel, soft and delicious, and then there was Jill. Jill was

had some meat on her bones and really his favorite. She was the most

aggressive of all of them and like a down pillow, comfortable as hell

to actually sleep with. Tim was a man that liked to cuddle. It was a

product of being deceptive all the time. He couldn’t sleep unless he

had someone to cuddle with. He had some money and took Jill out to eat

and a movie. Tim was alone and it was dark at high noon. His dark

cloud was so dark that there wasn’t even a memory of light. The lie

had grown into a blob that covered and got into every spot of his

existence. He was the quintessential lost soul. It was lost like a

wedding ring down the sink drain, like a lottery ticket in the washer,

like virginity on prom night. Looking back he remembered it slipping

away in a bedroom in a first floor apartment. in North Hollywood. He

was another empty human being roaming the world like zombies.

Jill was good for the couple days he needed until he had to be back at

Carmen’s. He got to her house the morning of the day she said to

return almost robotically, he didn’t think he just moved. Carmen was

cooking Huevos Rancheros and the food was ready the moment he arrived

like she was expecting him. He used his key.

“Hi, Good Morning, reporting for duty.” Tim says as he sets his bag down.

“Are you ready?” Carmen says.

“No hi how are you?” Tim asks.

“I’m sorry, but my Grandma is out of butter.” a flustered Carmen says.

“OK, OK, I’ll go but when I come back I’m coming for you. Gimme the

package. What is in there anyhow?” Tim asks.

“Just take it to her.” Carmen says and smiles big and completely fake.

Tim left the house and walked down the street trying to figure this

kitty cat out. Where does she get her power? How powerful is she? He

rounded the corner and approached the house, he opened the gate and

suddenly men in dark uniforms came out from all directions. Rifles

were pointed at his head, they yelled get down and Tim, stunned, put

his face in the pavement.

He didn’t know what was going on and the detective told him he was

carrying drugs.  He was delivering drugs to a pick up point for

narcotics officers; he was a link in the chain of kilos of cocaine

coming into the country. They wanted Carmen; they knew where she lived

because she was on parole. She was being watched constantly. She

couldn’t risk getting caught, again. And she didn’t want to pay

someone to move it for her so she recruited unwitting men who think

they are players. She usually trolls the bars for suckers but Tim came

to her trying to play her, she let him think that he had some power.

Carmen would submit to him then pull her power back creating a void in

Tim’s already empty soul. He tried to suck on the wrong breast. Tim

was playing and got played.

He was told that he was looking at 25 to life, others told him he

would only do 5 years for first offense and clean record. Being locked

in a cage for the first time gave Tim panic attacks that he never had

before and they were full blown, can’t get enough air, panic attacks.

There was no medication available. The other men were looking at him

like he was lunch. He recovered from the panic attack when his animal

instinct was rattled. He started breathing normal again and faced down

the men eyeballing him. They were all wandering around in a small

circle just waiting for someone to bump someone else. Tim needed a

cigarette.

3.   

       But Tim would not get one. What he got was a green bologna sandwich and an 8-ounce carton of warm milk. and a court date. two  days away. Since he has to be charge within 72 hours or get released, they were going to make him wait 70 hours to charge him. The holding cells were the worst. Locked up with miscellaneous hooligans in for everything from public intoxication to murder.  Tim kept his scamming mouth shut. He would not be able to talk or kiss his way out of this one. All he cared about was himself when the shit came down. When he finally saw the judge he was broken down, starting to realize how his lies led to this. He was demure in front of the judge, begging for a light sentence. He was sent to county jail to await his sentencing.

       County jail is hell, if you’re going to be locked up. Any con will tell you that they would rather be at a state institution than be in county jail. You get no privileges, there is not a yard to go out on. And you rarely see the sun or any natural light for that matter. It’s noisy at all times of the day or night. And you better join a gang or else risk get messed with by everyone. Tim deserved to get messed with, he was messing with people behind their backs for years and yet this is the first time he’s been to jail. Even through running with his crew as a kid, he never got caught. He never got caught scamming people. It is quite ironic for him to go to prison for being scammed himself.

       His sentencing date came up after one month in county. He didn’t care what the sentence was, he just wanted to get out of there. He got 5 to life, eligible for parole after two and a half years. He would spend two and a half years, for sure. And maybe more if catches any more charges in prison. He got to prison on a bus chained to a strand that linked all the prisoners together. And his hands were chained to his waist and he had leg shackles on. It was incredibly humbling for Tim and he was beginning to admit to himself what he was doing and it shot Tim in the gut. His stomach burned with remorse and disgust. He slept on that feeling and it was very uncomfortable. In the morning over breakfast he decided what he had to do to be able to sleep right again. He had to write Jill and Dana letters telling them the truth. Everything. Put his cards on the table. He had cards that they didn’t know that he had. He held their hearts in his hands and he was going to break them, their emotional health but hopefully not their spirit,

       Tim started studying Buddhism in the library and became more aware of himself and his actions. He was procrastinating writing the letters. But eventually his gathered his courage and embarked on a soul revealing letter like he’s never written before.

Jill,

Baby, you know that I love you. As you can see from the return

address, in prison, I got set up by a person playing a game that I’ve

been playing better than me. The reason for this letter is to tell you

that I’m not who I say I am. I don’t own a car much less a truck and I

used you because I saw you as an easy mark. I don’t feel good about

what I’ve done and don’t expect a letter in return and if it makes you

feel any better the person who beat me at my own game took away five

years of my life. I still have real feelings for you Jill.

Tim

        Tim wrote a similar letter to Dana, except he tried to be more

proper. To his surprise he got a letter back from Jill, not Dana. He

hoped that Jill would respond. She said that, after much thought she

forgave him and she and he started writing sexually explicit love

letters. They were writing back and forth for months when Jill said

she wanted to drive the 600 miles to the prison to come visit. On the

much-anticipated day Tim awoke early, not being able to sleep. Made

his bed to military specifications. He had clothes ironed for him just

for this day. He got dressed and waited, biting his nails, impatiently

constantly talking about her to his cellmate. He heard the call from

the guard to go to Visitation and eagerly walk down the tier. All the

time thinking about Jill and now she was going to be in front of him,

he could hardly believe it. Some of the guys were giving him

high-fives, knowing his story. He got down and they opened the door

and to his utter disbelief it was Carmen. They stood and looked into

each other’s eyes and she said,

“Prisoner, keep your hands off me!”