Mindfuck

I stopped watching television cold turkey and felt no withdrawal effects; actually I felt a surge of creativity. My mind was breathing again. Not bombarded by pleas to spend my money or someone else’s. It didn’t matter, as long as we were spending. Not to mention the seeds that they plant in our mind. With the new diseases and syndromes which “they” have medication for. It will not cure you but make it manageable if you keep taking the medication they make. Salesmen are opportunists and that’s what television is, an opportunity. And the salesmen are relentless; they will bait and switch you all day as long as you swim in their pond. Well, I climbed out.

       This country is the greatest in the world due to the freedom we have. To worship as we like, or not, to have the size family that we want, to curse the president without fear of being incarcerated and the freedom to care about nobody but ourselves. It’s a sad fact about America and the world. We don’t care about our brother anymore. In Los Angeles people are scared to help a stranger for fear that they’ll be another Ted Bundy. The media is the mindfuck of society. Spreading fear and pestilence, unnecessarily, and call it entertainment. Millions are paid to humans to champion their causes, willing participants lured by money and exposure to fame. Lending their faces to commercials, saying things they don’t believe or wouldn’t feed their families. Building their “careers” in the “entertainment” industry.

       Art is the redeeming factor. Art can say the truth and not be censured, as hard as “they” try. Creativity brings reality into homes in disguise, as music with a beat, paintings that are beautiful and stories with characters people can relate to. Otherwise, nobody would have an interest in what is really going on, or just afraid. It is scary, what governments hide from their citizens. We will never actually know what’s going on because the truth is always spun by someone, so it ends up being relative.

       We are responsible for our own realities, our views, our beliefs and our actions. Their are no secrets, the universe, or God, is always watching and is holding you accountable for your actions. How you treat others, are you being of service to your fellow man, or are you a taker not replenishing the pond. We swim in the same ocean so we must be mindful of what things we spread around, physically and energetically. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, basic physics. I t just doesn’t apply to pool balls. The laws of the Universe go to the core, everything, anything.

       Love, the ace in the hole if you are in it, the game changer. All bets are off when loves involved because love is a sword stronger than Zeus’ lightning. Cutting the crap, ending addictions. That feeling when you make contact with that other person. The comfort you feel knowing that you’re both sleeping under the same night sky. It’s a rocket, at first, infatuation is powerful but fleeting. With the grace of the Universe your rocket will not break apart but level off and you will get to know each other as a human and not someone you put on a pedestal. That’s when real love takes place, deeper love, soul food. I’ve never been to this place unfortunately. It takes two mature individuals to have deep love the kind of love where you can feel hate for them but still love them. It’s like being wrapped in plastic only the plastic is their energy. Negatives as well as positives. That is what I’m calling out vocally to the Universe. I dared the Universe to send me a lover. I casually said something to my therapist and the Universe must have been listening because I got what I called out, exactly. To a T. I know I’m not ready right now but that’s when it happens sometimes. I am really not ready now, but I welcome the chance. I know if I fall in love again and lose it I don’t know if I would survive. I’m held together with bailing wire and duct tape. But even facing death I still hold my dare true. I don’t want to die broken hearted. My lover would have top be the downest woman of all time. I mean bank robbery down. She would have to be able to stand in the fire with me but she can get out, I can’t. Prepared to look stupid in public. But I’m just fantasizing, I know the Universe can do it but we’re in the fourth quarter, there’s a little time on the clock but not enough to have a picnic

       We must watch the things that come out of or mouth. I called my illness out casually when I was twenty and in love. I said that I would commit suicide if this ever happened to me. I remember it like yesterday, we were both high on speed talking a mile a minute, not listening to each other just waiting for our turn to talk. We were naked and sitting on the floor preparing for some inspired sex. And wouldn’t you know it. I am now afflicted. Nietszche says that suffering makes the soul strong and if it weren’t for suffering we would have never advanced as a civilization. That makes me feel warm inside. I use substances and marijuana to escape my suffering and I know that that’s cheating. The Universe wants me to feel all of this, find myself in the darkness of solitude. And put my chest out even when feeling guilt. I am sober the majority of the time but often times I have a couple of pills to take the edge off. At night I take off my shoes and they’re there free in case anyone wants to try them on. No, I wouldn’t want anyone to have a spinal chord injury and a terminal illness. The Universe dealt me a pair.

       Death is going to be one long exhale, for me. I am going to shake off this pain and misery and reveal to the Universe my sturdy soul. I didn’t kill myself, I walked the entire path and never cursed you, except when I said that I don’t want anymore of your gifts until you bring me a lover. That was rude. But I swear that damn reapers hand is moving from my shoulder to my neck and I told him where his real estate was and to please honor our agreement by staying on his side. I saw the reaper in full form once when I was 22. I was sleeping in somebody else’s bed and I woke frozen with fear. I felt someone had kitchen knives and were going to stick them in my chest if I moved. I glanced over my shoulder and I saw him tall and imposing and dark as the darkness of deep space. No hand just his cloak which draped perfectly. As if he just appeared there and did not take a step. I could not move, I was like a stone, petrified I mustered up the courage to roll out face down and onto the floor where I got up and turned the light on, even though it was daytime. I wish I would have said something like, take me now you coward! I don’t know what he was doing at someone else’s house and visiting me. If he has the balls to come back I won’t be so scared this time and maybe we can talk and arrange a time that’s good for me and him. It’s logistics, there are things that I want to see that would be good for a last act, like see my niece develop into a woman and chat with ‘ole uncle Mike. And I want to be published, but that might just be vanity. I want to be loved. I want to be heard. I want people to know that inside this skull is a nipple where the Universe occasional attaches to those moments are better than sex. I show what happens through my stories and babblings such as this one. I love you.