sample chapter from upcoming story

In the morning of the next day she was in a van on her way to a recovery center. It was not like the celebrity rehab on television, this was real people with problems other than having enablers all around. These were people who fought, bled and served time behind drug use. Leslie was in a familiar place, if she didn’t know it yet. Upon arrival she was searched and all her belongings were gone through. She was thankful it was a woman who did this.

       “C’mon, a girl like you should have more stuff than this.” the young lady says.

       “And what is that supposed to mean?” Leslie is very touchy but it backed up by Carol

       “That’s OK, I’ll get her acquainted.” she says. And the young lady walks off. “You’re a pretty girl, the other girls will hate on you but I’m sure you’re used to that.” but Leslie was not, she was used to the world where respect is given because everyone knew that they could be bought, or sold. Leslie was so far removed from the regular world that she forgot how to relate to people. She didn’t hate other girls; she felt a common bond, being subservient to men.

       “No, I’m not used to that. Is that something I’ll have to get used to?” Leslie asked exhausted from crying.

       “No, of course not, but don’t be surprised if it happens.” Carol says.

       “Thanks for the heads up.” Leslie says sarcastically.

         “Hey, remember, I’m your friend.” Carol says

       “You can’t have perfume, because of the alcohol, you can’t have your Xanax, we’ll be giving you medicine for the withdrawal symptoms.” Carol informs Leslie of the rules that most people have a problem with. The people from the rehab caught her at just the right moment because the day after she arrived she just wanted to run. Get high and get away from the feeling of loss she had a stubborn case of. She knew that it wasn’t right but it felt right and that’s all he cared about, she didn’t have anyone to call or come visit. She hated visiting day. It was just another reminder of how alone she was. Papa was gone and she had a brother who was estranged from the family and lived 600 miles away. He couldn’t give a shit if Daddy died. But Papa didn’t raise him. He had a family and children of his own last time she heard.

       Now, it was a couple weeks in and she hadn’t slept, yet, nor ate or stopped throwing up. She just wanted to be on something and all she could get was a 5-milligram Valium, which didn’t take the edge off like the rehab nurse told her it would. She was angry with everyone and didn’t know why. It wasn’t just the dope like they were telling her; it was her Father. She didn’t necessarily believe in a god, or figured at least, that he or she had better people to work with. She felt far too troubled for any help to reach. And cannot see that going away. It wasn’t the drugs that were the problem, it was she, and she knew it. She was lost on the inside and would hope someone will notice her falling through the cracks inside her mind and outside in her reality. She felt delirium coming on from sleep deprivation. She didn’t mind it; she felt, in some strange way, closer to her Papa. Eventually she started eating but only vegetables, no ‘meat’ patties; fresh, raw vegetables. After a week of eating well and long meditation sessions that were guided by a facilitator, she started to feel some semblance of herself again. Not that she even really knew who that person was, anymore.

        The other patients at the rehab were trying to get to know Leslie but she wasn’t having it. She might be feeling better but she was still was tore up on the inside and the others could see it. She told a couple girls a little of what was going on inside, but only a little. The rehab was kind enough to have a therapist talk to her about her grief. She had one hour a week to talk to an intern, so she just basically sat there while Leslie dumped her crap all over her, but that’s what she was there for. At lunch Leslie sat with one other girl named Jessica. Jessica used to do the same kind of work that she did. They got along well, but Jessica had a little girl and Leslie did not. The Mothers with children were housed in another part of the rehab so Leslie had to sleep with little bitches at the rehab on summer vacation. Well, more likely so their parents can have a vacation.  There was no private room. These were the bad girls in high school; the ones who can’t sit still, that have ADHD and are completely annoying. One little girl claimed to shoot Meth. Leslie asked her who showed her how to shoot up. The little girl claimed not to remember. You never forget the good soul whom shows you how to slam dope. That’s just ridiculous. Leslie could tell that she was living with little girls who have drug problems that their parents cannot handle anymore, not them. They’re just playing in the shark-infested waters of drug addiction; they’ve no clue what they’re doing or how easily they can be turned out. Her and Jessica used to have fun mocking them, once she learned to laugh again, that to some prodding by Jessica, telling her raunchy jokes and doing bad impersonations of the staff. They were girlfriends after a month, but each was suspicious of the other until one day when trouble came down the pike and both were implicated. Jessica was brought before the director of the rehab.

       “Tell me who has the dope.” he says.

       “I told you, I don’t know, it wasn’t me or Leslie.” Jessica says.

       “Bullshit, it was one of you and I’m going to find out.” he says. “Get her out of here.” and Jessica went back to the lunch tables where Leslie was.

       “Holy shit! What an asshole.” Jessica says.

       “What happened?” Leslie says as she takes a bite of Broccoli.

       “He tried to get me to say something, and I don’t know anything about any dope! Do you?” Jessica asks.

       “If I wanted to get high, which I do, I would just leave. Nothing’s keeping me here except a promise I made.” Leslie says.

       “Leslie!” she gets her call to the director’s office.

       “Alright, I know you’re her voluntarily, but some of these guys aren’t,” he says not realizing how sexist sounds, “and we don’t need you bringing in dope!”

       “You can test me for dope, I know Jessica is court ordered and I would gladly take the fall for her but I want you to know that you have got the wrong girl and I don’t mean that she did it. Look, if I want to get high I know where to go for that, I obviously don’t.” Leslie says and then gets cut off.

       “OK, OK, you are backing each other up and I find that admirable amongst women but if I so much as hear that either of you has anything to do with dope you will go down for your friend.” The sexist asshole says.

       Neither of them knew what the other said but they did know that they could have given the other up, not that Leslie was trying to protect her freedom like Jessica was. But they trusted each other after that day. That would lay the groundwork for a good friendship and one that each of them need. Leslie needed a friend like the desert needs water and Jessica needed a female friend. The men at the rehab thought they were so cool, they looked like idiots with the same problem, they didn’t get enough attention as little boys. They were posturing against each other, thinking that the girls even gave a shit, which some of them did. Some girls were on the hunt for another get high partner, or really someone to do all the dirty work. And they paid for it in bed; Leslie and Jessica found them disgusting. Both of them wanted nothing to do with scheming dope fiends anymore. Leslie was working out a promise and Jessica was trying to keep herself out of jail and her daughter with a Mother. The men at the rehab were attention seeking 9 year olds or sick old dope fiends who can’t stay out of jail. They were about equally divided. The young ones were posturing to get women’s attention, most of which couldn’t care less and weren’t even seeing them. Except some of the girls who were oblivious to the non-verbal signals that they were broadcasting. Leslie and Jessica laughed and wondered where they used to get high. These were grown women whom acted like they were at a fashion show. Getting pretty with makeshift cosmetics. The old dope fiends looked on, licking their chops, but the staff, whom had been down this road, put out the fire before it got started by reminding the men that sexual conduct or suggestion will not be permitted. They were lucky they were allowed to look. At other rehabs, a man is not even allowed to look at a woman, unless they are staff. One particular guy had his eye on Leslie and Jessica wouldn’t let her forget it.

       “Oh, shit, there’s Jim, duck your head!” Jessica would joke.

       “I will not, he should duck his head, he wouldn’t be able to handle me.” Leslie stated

       “Oh, it’s like that, then.” Jessica is taken back by the confident Leslie and kind of likes to see it. Jessica listened to Leslie go on about her Papa and how she wasn’t sure she could go it alone. “That’s it, you go girl! You’re getting better.”

       “What do you mean?” Leslie has no clue how far she’s come in only 90 days.

       “Just last month you were talking about how you couldn’t do it by yourself, that right there did not sound like woman unsure of herself.” Jessica reinforces her newfound pal.

       “I guess I have got some of my confidence back, but I’m serious, that boy wouldn’t know what to do with a woman like me.” Leslie is sounding big again. Letting her little light shine from behind that wall which was still just as high as before. Letting a friend in doesn’t mean that the wall is down; it just means that she built a, one time only, door.

       “I can see from the outside, and you sister, are on the upswing and I will not let you backslide.” Jessica is being as supportive a she would want Leslie to be for her. The both of them were junkies but didn’t look it. Even through their addiction they took good care of themselves, they had to if they wanted to work. Neither of them shot in their arms or anywhere that was visible. They shot in their Femoral artery, which was very dangerous, if you go all the way through with the needle, you could bleed to death. And both of them had been shooting dope for the same amount of time, 3 years. But they smoked heroin long before that. They both had a boyfriend, who said that he loved them but then showed them how to shoot dope. He might as well put a bullet in a gun and handed it to them. They both despised the men. Jessica would be at the rehab one month longer than Leslie. Jessica had already been at the rehab for 8 months and had 4 more to satisfy court. Leslie had 3 more months to complete her program. Besides the child and the dead Father, Jessica and Leslie had very similar stories and probably every other woman in the rehab. Stories were very similar in rehab. For the men and the women, gay or straight.

 The majority of the patients were abused, or had been in the past. Jessica had been abused by boyfriends and was making a habit of it. Her man-picker was malfunctioning. Stuck on degenerate mode. Her daughter had seen her getting hit by a boyfriend and she was determined not to let that happen again. Leslie suggested that they move in together. Jessica wasn’t sure because she had a daughter and a child changes the whole house, but Leslie assured her that she could handle it. Leslie liked the idea of a little kid around the house, she kind of wished she had one, but didn’t know how she would support it. Being an escort is not the profession of a Mother. They spent a lot of time sitting on the back patio where Jessica was allowed to smoke. It didn’t bother Leslie, although Leslie was big on informing people about lung cancer and did Jessica.

“You know those things give you lung cancer, right, and that lung cancer is a horrible way to go.” says Leslie.

“Yeah, I know Les but I got a bit of a habit, if you know what I mean.” Jessica says.

“I understand what a habit is, smartass!” Leslie laughs. Jessica laughs and then picks up Megan, her daughter. “C’mere sweetheart, oh, look at you, you’re a mess.”

“No she’s not, she’s just playing, right Megan?” Leslie said to the toe-headed child with sky blue eyes. Megan gazed up at Leslie and smiled. Megan was 5 years old. Leslie didn’t use baby talk but instead talked to Megan like she was a grown woman. “Tell your Mom that you can take care of it.”

“No, not yet, you’re not a teen-ager. And even then I will not have her talking to me like that.” Jessica covers her daughter’s ears. “What are you telling my little girl?”

“She’s gonna be everything you are, only better. I couldn’t take care of a baby.” Leslie says.

“That’s what I thought but I didn’t really have a chance, I will not have a baby conceived willingly, aborted. You never know what you can do until you need to do it. She changed my life and for the better. He Daddy is in Sweden and not coming back, so I had to do it only with the help of my family. Financially is the hardest part. Changing diapers, picking up after her and making meals for her was really a joy, because I love these chubby cheeks.” Jessica pinches Megan’s cheek and she turns her head away into her Mother’s armpit. “When you have a child something changes inside you, literally and figuratively. She became the one thing I could focus on, just one thing to do right. And the one thing that I will kill for. I had a boyfriend once, well actually fiancé, who all of a sudden started raising his hand toward Megan. He spanked her once when my back was turned and that was it, he was gone.” in a child’s voice, “Nobody touches my flesh and blood.” and she pets Megan’s head.

“I don’t know, I can’t really take care of myself.” Leslie admits.

“When you have a child you take better care of yourself, too.” Jessica adds.

“OK, OK, you sound like you’re trying to sell me a child.” says Leslie just as Jim walks in front of her and stares.

“Hello ladies.” Jim says as he passes.

“Yeah, thanks but no-thanks!” Leslie spouts.

“Easy, he’s kind of cute.” Jessica says.

“Yeah, in that lost puppy dog way. He would be pussy-whipped in no time.” Leslie is putting down a guy she knows absolutely nothing about.

“Are you a man hater?” Jessica asks nonchalantly while setting Megan back down. “Go play, honey, but stay close by.”

“No, I just have standards that no man will never be able to meet. It’s something I’m working on.” Leslie is somber.

“That’s alright, I think all addicts want to much out of all people around them. I am the same way. The guy has to be financially stable, emotionally secure and spiritually pure. How’s that.” Jessica says proudly.

“I doubt you’ll find an addict with two of those qualities, much less, all three.” Leslie says.

“Les, I don’t want an addict as a partner, shit, hell no! One of us has to be sane.” Jessica is joking but serious.

“Yeah, me either, we can’t both be broken.” Leslie adds. “How long did you work? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Five miserable years of disgusting men slobbering all over me and being too damn eager for me to get any pleasure.” Jessica admits something that nobody else knows about her.

“Did you have somebody set up your dates?” Leslie asks.

“You mean a pimp? Yeah, I had a pimp but I only did that because walking the streets is fucking dangerous.” Jessica adds. “What about you, I can’t see you walking the streets.”

“Yeah, I had a pimp but he was gay so he didn’t want to set up his friends or do any weird shit, he was alright to work for, he would cop for me and that was almost worth it by itself. I fucking hate having to cop dope on my own.” Leslie says.

“Yeah, I know dealers are scumbags even when you are a regular. They think that they have power just because they have drugs that people want.” Jessica says. “I guess they do have power, over a bunch of junkies and freaks!”

“Oh, shit we better not mention dope at all or maybe someone walking by,” she stares down Jim as he walks by again, “might overhear us as misconstrue the conversation.” Leslie says tracking Jim with her eyes until he is gone. “That boy is biting off way more than he can chew and I think I’m gonna give him a taste. Hey, Jim, is it?” Jim comes waking toward them proudly so his friends can see.

“Yes, it is, how can I help you ladies?” Jim says with a smile.

“I noticed you looking at us like you wanted something from over here,” Leslie begins, “you see something you want?”

“Well, umm..” Jim is dumbfounded with how forward Leslie is.

“Yes, or no, it’s not that hard. Listen, do you give good head?” Leslie is making a fool of him in front of his buddies.

“Well, I, what?” Jim stumbles.

“Can you eat pussy?” Leslie says loudly because she just doesn’t care. She’s tired of the gaulking. Jim’s friends look over and try to hold their laughter but can’t. People are staring. She made her point. “You couldn’t handle it if I gave it to you, now get out of here and go play with your friends.” Leslie says like a lady and crosses her legs as if to say ‘this barn is closed’, there will be no rolling in the hay with me. She plants her beige eyes on a squirrel in a tree. Jim walks away looking like the little boy that he still was at 23 years old.

“Wow, that was so fucking cool, I wish we had it on video!” Jessica says excitedly. “He did look cute but you just made him look like a school boy, you must have been fun to work with.”

“Work with, you worked with other girls?” Leslie wasn’t new or anything but she had never been asked to do a three way.

“What, you’ve never done a three way? You’ve never been with a girl?” Jessica asks curiously.

“No, I haven’t, I was always the star attraction, I don’t know how I would feel about splitting the pay.” Leslie is honest.

“We charge double, silly, we would make a hell of a team.” Jessica says to Leslie then bites her bottom lip and makes pronounce eye contact with her. Leslie felt the vibe already but turned red anyway. “Shit, I’m I making you uncomfortable?”

“No, no, not at all” Leslie fans herself with her hand and blinks her eyes hard. “I feel you, I feel you, holy crap, I feel you.”

“Is that a good thing?” Jessica asks hopeful.

“Yeah, I just haven’t felt that since my...well, you know.” Leslie says.

“Yeah, I know, baby it’s OK.” Jessica tries to ease Leslie’s mind, again being the friend that she would want Leslie to be.   

 “Shit, we better go, it’s time for another lecture.” Leslie says.

       “C’mere sweetheart, come to Mommy, we gotta go now. Jessica says. And they go inside to listen to another addict share their story with the hope that it gives them inspiration to stay clean. Neither of the two needed any more inspiration than they already had but hearing their stories reminds them that they aren’t the only ones who did ugly things behind dope. And some of the time they hear someone who was worse than them.