Tony's Jam

       Tony was a little boy but could already feel the separation between his soul and the physical manifestation of his being. It was because he wasn’t really fond of this life that he was born into. His father, Mark, was absent and had been since he was two years old and his mother routinely chose the wrong man. Her second choice Eddie, included a big church wedding where he wore a tux and performed the service of ring bearer. But the relationship had it’s pit falls. He was physically and verbally abusive to his Mother but treated the young boy like a prince, which twisted his mind and allegiances into a psychological knot. Not surprisingly the marriage ended in a divorce too early for Tony’s princehood but timely perhaps for his Mother although was single once again.
Tony at age 7 had been raised primarily by women, with his mother or at his grandmother’s house. Tony had a bad feeling any time a man would come into play. When his Grandfather came home from work he felt that the fun was over. Tony’s Grandfather was a kind man. The  stain was already there and it would never be erased. Tony hated men and his Mother’s new beau would do nothing but reinforce that.
The third time was no charm for his mother, nonetheless she would welcome a man into their home that Tony immediately felt despised him. Always calling him names and ordering him around.
The man drank a lot, smoked a lot and had a wooden leg.Tony had this whimsical notion that handicapped people were nice, having to struggle with extra limitations and deal with pain.With Burt,  he was learning otherwise.
His Mother met him at a friend’s house in the apartment directly across from theirs. They would all drink heavily, smoke pot and tease their kids; of which the friend has three. They were tougher than Tony and seemed to get a lot of beatings. Their Mother talked about times when she beat her kids as if it were a joke. Tony was not accustomed to abuse as his Mother never laid a hand on him because Tony was a good boy. Not a kiss ass, just an honest kid who knew the right thing to do and did it. The only time he was bad was when he hung around other kids who coerced him. Tony was gullible, easy to trust, not having experience with getting taken advantage of, yet. Tony’s Mom was the same, gullible as the day is long. She was the butt of jokes at her friends house, even from her new man, Burt.
Tony remembers the first time Burt caught him doing wrong. The group of kids that Tony was hanging out with set up a little girl to get in trouble with her parents. When she got caught, all the kids went around to her bedroom window to listen to her get beat by her Dad. Burt was sitting in his red ‘64 Mustang drinking beer and smoking cigars. When he got back in the apartment he told Tony’s Mom and convinced her that he needed a beating. She complied, being her gullible self, that was the initiation of them both to his beatings.
Burt soon would sell that car,  so they could move into an apartment together, he would use that as fuel in arguments for years to come.
Tony went to private school. A school that his father was paying for until he stopped. His Mom and Burt took up payments so he could finish elementary school. School started being Tony’s refuge. Home took on the feeling of a concentration camp, not that he knew what that was like but if he were to imagine, it would be home. He felt his every move was under scrutiny, his room was his sanctuary. He was constantly being yelled at, to get Burt a beer, the way he was sitting and always being called a sissy and/or a faggot. His self-esteem took a downward spiral, day in, day out getting criticized about everything little thing. He was never right. In the morning  they could do nothing to him that would compare to what he went through the night before.
There never seemed to be enough money to buy school supplies and clothes, but the refrigerator was always full of beer and enough cigarettes to support a four pack a day habit. Tony felt like a fifth wheel and didn’t understand why his Mom had given birth to a son, he
didn’t want to be alive anymore.
Third grade was the first complete grade that Burt was in the house. And the first that he thought about suicide or murder. He would sleep walk at night and there was a period where he was afraid to go to sleep, for fear that he would go to the kitchen, grab a butcher’s knife and kill Burt. He was scared because he thought he might kill his Mother, too, unable to control his rage. His love for his Mother never waned. Through the beatings and the neglect he never even considered his Mother responsible. He realized that what he was experiencing was child abuse but if he told the school he thought he might be taken away from his Mother and he could not handle that.
He wanted the old days back of sharing a bed with his Mother and taking long car rides from Mission Viejo, where they lived, to his Grandmother’s house in Woodland Hills. Tony watched his Mother get abused, and thought, and felt, that with Burt, it was his turn. He was waiting for a divorce but his Mother asked him before Burt moved in if it was OK with him. He bit his tongue and said ‘yes’. He knew his Mother wasn’t happy alone and didn’t want to deprive her of the chance to have a companion, but Tony HATED this man, Burt.
Tony had friends at school that invited him to come to their house. His Mom, and Burt, allowed him to go. He experienced how a loving family looked. He saw his friend do things that would get him beat at home and was blown away that they weren’t. That just made his resentment grow. Coming home after that made him angry at everything.He played with his toy cars in the dirt with another kid in the apartment and that would take his mind off things for a minute.  Tony took the trash out and this time sacrificed all his blessings in life from God if he would just save him from a beating tonight. He thought that if other kids were getting beat like him, they are dealing with it with commendably. But he knew other kids
weren’t getting treated like he did. Tony wasn’t very social and the feeling of shame was something that stuck and he just got used to. But he never said anything to anyone.
One time Tony walked 7 miles to the apartment because Burt said that if he wasn’t at the pick up spot at 5 on the dot he had to walk home. Tony was five minutes late but Burt was 20. When Tony got to home the door was locked so he walked around the back to see if the car was there and they were pulling up, Mom with her head in her hands, crying. They went to the school and nobody knew where Tony was, his Mom thought his Father had kidnapped him. He told them he was just doing what Burt told him. His mother held him tight and kissed his head. He hadn’t been touched by his Mother in a week. He was 8 years old.
He often heard the sound of them having sex. Tony would watch, praying for a sibling, he didn’t get off on it and thought that it was peculiar that he was drawn to it. But he was. Burt caught him out of the corner of his eye. Tony ran back to his room, his Mom came in and yelled at him then brought him out to Burt. Burt got him and pinned him to the ground by his neck. He began yelling and popped him with his other hand in the face.  He told him to go to his teacher and tell her what he did, he made him tell his Grandmother, he wanted to humiliate him and did a great job.  The drop of self-esteem he still had was now gone.His Father was picking him up on weekends but that all stopped along with the child support. when he turned 9. He had been pleasuring himself since he was 7 and did it whenever he got the chance.
Tony went to summer camp. This was great, Tony had some joy, part of the year. Holidays were marked with arguing, yelling and drunkeness. When Burt got really drunk a lot of the time he would forget to torture Tony. Tony was all too glad to get him another beer. Then Burt would be nice to him, Tony would try to agree with him in everything he said creating a personality that wasn’t genuine. Tony was learning to be fake as a matter of survival. He saw his Mother doing it, too. She was becoming someone that Tony didn’t recognize. Tony would stay up late past the time that Burt went to bed to get a chance to see his Mother revert back to herself. After the chores were done she would sit down to watch her TV shows and Tony could talk to his Mom. He would just enjoy her  company and never spoke his mind about how he hated Burt because he didn’t want to take anything from his Mother. But he knew his Mother and he would bring up subjects that would get her talking so he could stay up later. He would manipulate his Mom but not take anything from her.
Visiting Grandma, Tony thought she would call Mom on having that abused her son, but Burt was a chief manipulator and changed when they had company or visited Grandma.He became a considerate, attentive person. Tony knew it was bullshit and most of the time just stayed out of sight. At Grandma’s that meant roaming around the trailer park alone, and playing pool at the recreation room, alone. Tony had a lot of time to think and became depressed, he questioned why he was caught in this jam. He didn’t see what his Mother saw, in this man. He was very demanding toward Mom and would yell if he didn’t get his way.
Then Burt tightened the noose around Tony and his Mother’s neck by getting her pregnant. Now his Mother definitely wasn’t going anywhere. Their chance to escape was gone, then Burt married Tony’s Mom. She was glowing and Tony could see genuine happiness on her face, which, in turn, made Tony feel happy. He didn’t know if his Mother felt it, but Tony was still attached to his Mom, like when they shared a bed, and could feel her feelings. They were intertwined and Burt could feel that upon entering their home. He was trying to pull the strands apart, Tony knew this but would never just give up and let him have her, he would endure beatings, cope with self-esteem draining castigation, it didn’t matter, Tony would not let go. He didn’t know he was doing it. It was all instinctual.
Burt acted like it was his mission in life to stomp Tony out, thus releasing his Mother so he could have her all to himself. Like a male lion coming into a pride and killing all the male offspring as to ensure the continuation of his lineage. Burt was a very primal man but didn’t even know it, not that it mattered to Tony. He was in the middle of it, inhaling the second hand smoke that settled into a layer about waist high in the living room. The drive from his school to his Mother’s work everyday was particularly tense. If anything went wrong the night before, Burt would continue it then. When Tony was caught spying when they were having sex, Burt stopped in a neighborhood along the way and made him get out of the car, sit in the grass and write what he thought the word “fuck” meant. This was psychological abuse.
What hurt Tony the most was the inaction of his Mother. She never told Burt to stop yelling at her son, or to put down that belt. And Tony always gave her a pass, she was never responsible. She never did anything wrong. He knew how scared he was of him and figured that she was just as scared. So, even though she was sitting in the same room watching him get scolded unjustly with the most hurtful words he could formulate, she was not in the wrong.He always took his punishment like a man, alone and standing, never begging for mercy from a man not capable of it anyway.
Tony’s Mother worked through her pregnancy because if she didn’t, the household would break down financially. Tony was well aware of the family’s financial troubles as Burt and Mom would always discuss their problems on the way home from work with Tony in the back seat. But Burt always had beer and cigarettes, that was non-negotiable. Tony remembers eating beans from a can using a pocket knife as a spoon when they first moved into an apartment with Burt. Tony’s father quit paying child-support soon thereafter.
Mom kept getting bigger and bigger. Tony thought his Mother looked beautiful pregnant, she was glowing like a light bulb. One of those nights when Tony kept his Mom talking so he could stay up later, he asked her what her dream was when she was young. She told him her dream was to have children and make a family. Tony didn’t really believe her, a dream as simple as that? But she said that was the truth, seriously, but Tony couldn’t believe that her dream was to have him when she let someone beat her dream and antagonize her dream. It didn’t make sense. But Tony didn’t question her, his love was unconditional.
Mom learned that her baby would be a girl. Tony didn’t care either way, he was hoping that a baby that he took part in making would soften up Burt. Mom seemed very happy to be having a girl. One boy and one girl, it sounded perfect. Tony’s Mom didn’t need classes, it
wasn’t her first rodeo. She made her own maternity clothes, a talent that was necessary as they couldn’t afford clothes for a pregnant wife either. But they had beer.
August 20, 1982 Tony’s Mom gave birth to her baby girl and named her Lauren. When Burt brought her home from the hospital everyone in the apartment was outside to welcome her. Tony didn’t know that they knew who they were, much less cared that she had a new baby. Tony was impressed and proud. His little sister drew people out of their apartments and she wasn’t even a week old. Tony became his Mothers right hand man, eager to be part of his Mothers dream. He learned to change diapers, how to hold a newborn, how to make them stop crying, how to feed them and Burt learned nothing. He didn’t take part in any of the fatherly duties. He just sat in his spot, an Ottoman  that he had basically worn a hole in from his ass, in his boxers, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. Nothing changed for Burt, yet everything changed for Tony and his Mother. She had two weeks of maternity leave and Tony stayed home from school for a few days right after she came home from the hospital. He loved those days. Just him and his Mother with little Lauren. He bonded with his sister almost instantly, it only took one deep gaze into her eyes and he was hooked. He was extremely happy that she came into his life which was devoid of joy until then. He was 9 years old.
They found a babysitter named Norma who was in her sixties and loved what she did. Every morning they would drive to her house and Tony, his Mom and Burt would go inside and sit for a minute. Norma would serve Tony’s Mom and Burt coffee and Tony would watch Scooby-Doo on television. Norma had changed her house into a place for a baby. She child-proofed everything and made all the colors baby blue or little girl pink. She was a great babysitter.
Fourth grade was not a good year for Tony. There was a day that he came to school with a stiff neck. Taught not to complain, he didn’t say anything to his teacher, yet he couldn’t turn his head at all. He went through the day in intense pain but didn’t say anything to anyone.
He hadn’t really discovered little girls yet but had discovered women a long time ago. He had a crush on a teacher in third grade that wasn’t even in his class. In fourth grade there was yet another teacher that wasn’t his that he had a crush on. He would spot them from across the school yard coming to get their kids to go back to class. But Tony got sick, really sick and his teacher made a spot for him to lay down at the back of the class. When he woke the lights were off and everyone was gone. He should of stayed home but they thought Tony was still too young to stay home alone and his Mom couldn’t take off of work just for him, Burt wouldn’t allow it.
He could not wait to get out of school and see Lauren. She was light and Tony needed to see some of that every once in a while. He and his Mother enjoyed helping each other taking care of the needs that Lauren had. Protecting the soft spot on her head was Tony’s priority. He didn’t like the fact that her brain was so close to such a violent world.
Tony was just barely passing his classes and most of the time only so he could play sports, which he played every season, football, basketball, baseball. He got really close to one of his coaches whom he talked to a lot. Tony knew how to talk to adults. One day when Burt anticipated being late, Tony’s coach, Craig, offered to take him home. Craig had it checked out by the necessary people and gave him a ride, Tony was the navigator as he knew the quickest way to get there having been driven around enough by Burt. Craig remarked to Tony that this was a “pretty long chug”, Tony brushed it off like it was nothing, but it was a very long”chug”, and Tony was wiped out when he got home. That semester Craig marked on Tony’s report card that he was a”good human being”. Tony’s Mom was proud but really had no idea why he was saying that. Tony never spoke of the hardships he endured while talking to Craig. He just shot the shit with the man and Craig appreciated him. Burt never looked at Tony’s report card. He made it no secret that he didn’t care for Tony. He didn’t even pretend, saving everyone the unnecessary need to decode his actions.
His own child did nothing to soften up Burt, he was just as abusive as before. Tony noticed this and knew it was because he hadn’t looked into Lauren’s eyes, because if he did, he would be a changed man, as he was. Tony still wanted out of this mess of a life he had, Lauren couldn’t change that, it was way too deep for anyone to touch.
Tony was set to graduate elementary school, he knew that next year he would have a whole new set of friends. This saddened him as he knew that his mother would not be paying for private junior high. He would be going to public school and would have a whole new set of hurdles to overcome.
He would likely be exposed to violence at school and drugs. Burt didn’t think he would make it and joked about it scaring his mother into finding an address they could use so Tony could go to public school in a better area. They were living in the ghetto and Burt told her that Tony would get beat up because he was too soft. So, Tony would be going to school in an area far away from where they lived preventing Tony from having any friends out of school just like he did throughout elementary. Tony didn’t have any friends out of school, not one, and it was stunting his social growth.
Tony’s graduation brought together all the parents that were from different income brackets. The students got to see where their family ranked. Tony already knew, they were poor, poorer than the average at Pinecrest.
Their attire really said everything. Tony was in a cheap polyester, institutional blue suit with a white shirt and a white tie. Tony hated this.He knew that having no contrast between the shirt and tie did not work, but he couldn’t say anything because he already knew what Burt would say. He was ungrateful and a rotten kid for being so. Tony had had just about enough of this and was looking forward to getting out.
Tony was tired of being a rotten kid and trying to please a man that hated him.He found a way out that he should have thought of years ago. Tony had a bottle of Tylenol that he shop-lifted from the grocery store. As a graduation present to himself he was going to get out of this jam once and for all and go to a place where nobody could hit him or call him names ever again.
He walked across the stage, hugged the principal, and said ‘good-bye’. Tony was 12 years old.

Pledge alligiance?

Tonight the US government has shut down, unable to agree on how to divide the money in the petty cash box beneath the Senate majority leaders oak and velvet seat. Squabbling over  funds that really aren’t theirs to begin with. We are floating on a magic carpet that would put Alladin to shame. Closing our eyes and extending ourselves across oceans to beg for another hit from countries that we were locked in a psychological with 20 years ago. Promising that we’re going to do well this time, that we have it figured out when the only people that have us figured out are the one’s trying to, and succeeding in, killing us.
We come into this world with blinders on and a dollar bill that dangles in front of us. Nobody explains why and we don’t figure it out until we are young adults and finally push our minds out of the matrix and see the strings being pulled that manipulate us all, like Dorothy in Oz. Some just pretend that it’s not true or that they never saw but when they but when they chose the path of denial and become a cog in the wheel of the me,me,me contest. They must feel the hairs on the backs of their necks stand up when they make a wrong turn and drive their shiny BMW’s through skid row or see hungry, dying children on their spirit guide, television.
It’s a dog eat dog world and we always and we seem to always end up with the bone, never sharing a lick or a sniff. Others keep wanting to switch that bone for a stick of dynamite and be rid of our imperialist march that tends to mow down peoples and cultures in it’s way. We didn’t stand on shoulders to reach this precipice, we stood on ashen skulls leaving behind apocalyptic darkness of Bruegel’s Triumph of Death in our wake.
Being the top dog, there is only one way to go. And the slide down will be fraught with bumps and scrapes from those that once existed below us. There is a possibility we won’t survive and fade into history, becoming a myth like Troy but not half as gallant.We will be forced to liquidate our assets, selling off hot merchandise to their rightful owner. There is something seriously wrong with this picture. We are being allowed to dance around and act like big shots when there’s someone on the sideline just waiting until we have gone just far enough out that our rubber band of confidence loses in elasticity and then BOOM we are property of a greater nation. Sun Tzu’s Art of War was written 100 years ago, yet we are slowly getting caught in a web that
I’m afraid will pervade every aspect of our society.
What we can do is back peddle like a gossip girl at prom and demonstrate some humility for all the nations we raped. And they are many. We need to give back the advantage that we took all these years. Other countries conserve better than us because, for them, it’s a matter of life and death. And it’s a death that we greasing the slope for.